As it is my obligation to protect the national interest, and my ability to concentrate on such matters may have been compromised by the apparent kidnapping of my daughter, I have been advised that I am to take a leave of absence as the head of Torchwood until such time as my daughter has been safely returned.

(Or as the President so charmingly put it, "I'll not have you putting a laser beam or anything else up someone's backside without a proper trial first.")

I rang the President, and the government's official position boils down to something like this: if they were keeping a proper eye on alien activity within their borders, it wouldn't have come down to two private citizens from Great Britain having to solve the problem for them.

As for Torchwood's end of things, I need a report from you two so we can give "the authorities" (such as they are 'round the world) fair warning about this lot's methodologies. In the event they don't decide to retire to Tahiti and open a bakery for dogs, I think it's only prudent the relevant agencies have a heads-up.

Jacqueline Andrea Suzette Tyler, having you in my life has been a joy and a privilege, and you've made me happier than you could possibly imagine.

I love you so much. I'm looking forward to celebrating your birthday together for many decades to come.

You're one hell of a woman and my life wouldn't be the same without you. Here's to you, Jacks.

Before Jacks has a fully justified panic attack, please let us know you're all right. I've seen the storm came in from the south of Japan, and things are not looking good.

Stay safe!

...en route.

One each of Lime Time, Gonzo Grapefruit, and Tangerine Tango. That sound about right to you, love?

(Sorry about the names, the Plus line is usually marketed to the kids.)

I've already got Team 5 on the line. They'll be here to check out the evacuees, and Three and Six and are coming in to handle roundup.

I'm not getting any reports of saucers or the like. I'll have Rudy and his crew start scanning the Thames.

In the meantime, we're telling whatever press is still hovering outside that there's a leak in the gas main and they need to clear out.

We're setting down a six-block perimeter for now.

ETA: Where's Jacks? JACKIE?!?! Dammit!

Just remember to smile, try not to let the picture-snappers drive you too mad, and unearthlyish has kindly thought to make sure the family are supplied with sparkling cider and cream soda so we can all keep level heads.

No, I don't expect all of us to down Vitex all night, regular or Lite. The fewer e-numbers for some of us, the better.

...but it's not far off.

I don't care what the Doctor says, I'm not trusting those stairs to take the weight of a chicken. And Donna wasn't half right about the wiring. I should've brought Jake along, he's the expert, but this is ridiculous.

Never mind the neighbourhood. We should've come by armoured personnel carrier!

Thank you for that run.

I'm not too sure whether I should be happy or sad that what I thought was a matter of vital importance to planetary security turned out to be my son-in-law taking my daughter out on a date.

Which reminds me: knowing the turns these events have usually taken even well before I had a son-in-law, you might want to bring some slip-resistant backups with you for the Gala. Don't forget to file an expenses voucher for them.